A moment of weakness

Tonight has been kind of a hard night for me. I've sat here and debated on weather or not I should even blog about this but I feel like I should keep some sort of journal for myself. I feel so over whelmed with emotion right now and I don't know what to do with it all. I try to put on a brave face for my family and I try to be strong for everyone, but I have my moments of weakness, and I have moments where I doubt myself. I broke down in tears tonight and I just sat and asked why...why is this happening to us, why did the Lord pick us, are we being punished for something? I sit and wonder what the Lord was thinking when he picked us to be Crue's parents, What does he see in us? Does he really think we can handle this? There are so many unanswered questions that I have. I know it sounds selfish to be this way, but sometimes its hard not to feel this way. I'm not always as strong as people think, but I'm trying...Anyway as I sat here feeling sorry for myself I came across a poem that really touched me. It made me realize that this little boy is going to bless our lives more than we know. I know that it's going to be hard and challenging at times, but he is being sent to us for a reason. I feel that the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves and he obviously sees something in us that we don't. I believe that the Lord is going to be here for us every step of the way and I am so grateful for everything that the He has done for us. I am truly blessed in my life and I need to start focusing more on the good things and not the bad. The poem is called "The Special Mother"

The Special Mother

by Erma Bombeck

Did you ever wonder how mothers of disabled children were chosen?

Somehow I visualize God hovering over the earth selecting his instruments of propagation with great care and deliberation. As He observes, He instructs His angels to make notes in a giant ledger.

"This one gets a daughter. The Patron saint will be Cecelia"

"This one gets twins. The Patron saint will be Matthew"

"This one gets a son. The Patron saint give her Gerard. He's used to profanity"

Finally He passes a name to an angel and smiles. "Give her a disabled child".

The angel is curious. "Why this one God? She's so happy."

"Exactly," smiles God. "Could I give a disabled child to a mother who does not know laughter? That would be cruel!"

"But has she patience?" asks the angel.

"I don't want her to have too much patience or she will drown in a sea of sorrow and despair. Once the shock and resentment wears off, she'll handle it. I watched her today, she has that feeling of self and independence that is so necessary in a mother. You see, the child I'm going to give her has his own world. She has to make him live in her world and that's not going to be easy."

"But Lord, I don't think she even believes in you."

God smiles, "No matter, I can fix that. This one is perfect - she has just enough selfishness."

The angel gasps - "Selfishness? is that a virtue?"

God nods. "If she can't separate herself from the child occasionally she won't survive. Yes here is a woman whom I will bless with a child less than perfect. She doesn't realize it yet, but she is to be envied. She will never take for granted a 'spoken word'. She will never consider any 'step' ordinary. When her child says "Momma" for the first time she will be present at a miracle and will know it. I will permit her to see clearly the things I see...ignorance, cruelty and prejudice...and allow her to rise above them. She will never be alone. I will be at her side every minute of every day of her life because she is doing my work as surely as if she is here by my side."

"And what about her Patron saint?" asks the angel, his pen poised in mid air.

God smiles "A mirror will suffice.

This poem makes me cry every time I read it...I know that there are going to be hard times, but we are still very excited to welcome this little boy into our family and we can't wait to meet him.